Last Year

In July 2009 I had a bout of pneumonia. I missed a few weeks of work and was back to work when I felt really weak and tired in the Fall. Around September I left work one day and was told again I had another case of pneumonia. At that time I also had fluid in one of my lungs and was hospitalized. I was inpatient for ten days and they never could figure out what was causing the bouts of pneumonia and the anemia and other issues. I was not feeling that I was improving and my grandmother, who I so dearly loved went home to be with the Lord on October 14th. I had learned in the summer that she had breast cancer (and had chosen for only her two daughters to know at first), she had decided not to have any treatment based on the doctor telling her that it was a non agressive form of cancer. Apparently after about a year it became very agressive and was basically everywhere by that Fall. To be honest, I was so ill myself I couldn't process all that was going on with her, not even when she called me several times the months before she died to say goodbye. The day of her funeral we went 200 miles to attend her funeral, have lunch with family afterwards, then drive home. I don't know how I made it that day. I had lost thrity pounds between September and November when I was hospitalized again. This time the pneumonia was in both lungs and they called in a few specialists, including my cardiologist and an infectious disease doctor. They did a TEE and found that there was an infection on one of my heart valves. Fortunately, it was not on the mechanical valve (which would have meant another heart surgery) but on the mitral valve instead. I had a PICC line put in and was sent home. I was not able to return to work until the following January. I was on home IVs for six weeks. Despite that I was having so much difficulty breathing. I returned to work and was just getting back into the swing of things there when I began coughing all over again. It was terrible. I was asked to stop coughing by coworkers. It was embarassing. I went to the doctor who sent me for an xray and I was told I had another "small pneumonia" and given oral antibiotics. Several days later I went to an ER and again was sent home with the same information and another prescription for antibiotics. Some 48 hours later I went to the big hospital where I had had my heart surgery and was rushed into the ER. Now I was coughing up blood and in respiratory distress. The xray showed I had a "horrible" pneumonia according to three doctors. I was admitted and put on five intravenous antibiotics. I was so sick it took me about five days to even care I was in the hospital. I had numerous CT scans, and other tests done. I think they tested me for everything. I had another PICC line put in. Sent home on more antibiotics, again so very weak. I simply had to get back to work and returned July 1st. What a year July 20009-2010 was.

As though all this were not enough my mother-in-law got angry with us. She felt her son was neglecting her and told me I had changed him. This was a difficult thing for me to go through. I made a post that I had been hurt. Her sister and niece read it and I felt exaggerated it greatly. I gave her time to cool off but when I did call her, she made it clear that the relationship we previously had was gone. So be it. I will not agonize over it any more. I did for awhile but I have prayed and left it in God's hands. Only he can speak to her and show her that a man's sick wife should be his priority.

A Blessed Easter

We attended a wonderful and beautiful Easter service. The sermon was based on an email I had received where a little girl emptied her piggy bank and a surgeon happened to hear her story and went home with her. He performed a free surgery on her brother to save his life. Not sure all emails we receive are true but I would like to think this one was.

My elderly grandmother seems to be having some confusion. This is very upsetting because she wants to talk about wanting to die and telling God that she wants to die. I keep reminding her that we are to be in God's will, not our own. She gets confused and says things that seem to indicate she does not fully think things through. For most of her adult life she has been a dedicated Christian and never did one thing before praying about it. This is just not her and it's sad to watch. I am praying that this will pass and she will return to the loving and pleasant grandmother I grew up with. My father was in the military and we spent many years living with her. Later we built a house around the corner from her. She was always the one in our family who dispensed love. It is hard to think of letting her go when the time comes but I know when the time comes the Lord will get me through it.

Good Friday

Today is Good Friday and the day Jesus was crucified. It's hard to take it all in sometimes. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be born, knowing you were waiting to lay down your life to redeem the souls of others. HE knew from the start how His life would end but he lived a life, without sin, and when the time came, he laid His life down so that we could have eternal life. In my human state, I can not comprehend being able to do that. I know that He knows all about ME. He knew all that I would do before I did it but gave me free will to do it. Then, when the time came and I asked for forgiveness He was there ready to give it.

At times when I have been so very low physically I have thought of the suffering that Jesus endured, not just for me but for each and every person. One day in particular as I lay in my bathroom (of the first house I ever owned) throwing up nonstep from radiation, skin burned so badly under my arms from the radiation and my young son was demanding attention I almost was tempted to pray that my suffering would end. Then it hit me. What was my suffering compared to what HE suffered? I felt so overwhelmed by that sacrifice. I then asked Him to help me, give me strength and courage so that I could face what I had to, let it go when the time came and go forward living life and cherishing it. He answered that prayer for me. I don't always get a yes to everything I ask for. I do always try to accept that whatever answer I get, it is given to me with love of a parent and with knowledge of what I truly need, and not necessarily what I want. Today I stop and think about that great sacrifice and once again, I say thank you Jesus.

Samaritan's Purse

This Christmas we did something very gratifying. We filled shoe boxes with toys and candy for children. They were given to Samaritan's Purse through my mother's church. It was so wonderful when yesterday we received a mailing showing pics of the children and their boxes. Nearly 8 million were collected and distributed. 4.9 million were collected in the U.S. If you want to find out more or give to another project besides Operation Christmas Child you can check out this great organization (run by Billy Graham's son) at http://www.samaritanspurse.org/.

Forgiveness

An almost magical enabler and facilitator of dialogue ... is the simple request: "Will you forgive me?" The beginning of most human rifts that sabotage love and dialogue is what I call a "wounded spirit." ... We can then easily be trapped in a getting-even game, a back and forth contest. When this begins, the lines of communication are down, the relationship is bleeding, and their is great need of healing....
What I am suggesting here is that most ailing relationships can be restored to health almost miraculously by this simple but sincere request: "Will you forgive me?" In asking the question, I am not assuming all blame. I am not deciding who was right and who was wrong. I am simple asking you to take me back into your love from which I have been separated. The acknowledged need for forgiveness is the most effective means of restoration for wounded spirits. No relationship should go for very long without it.

Quiet Moments With John Powell, S. J.

God Is Love

God's very nature is to love. Just as every being acts always and only according to its nature, so God always and only loves....
An analogy or comparison may help. It is the nature of the sun to give warmth and light. Now you and I can stand under the sun and feel its warmth to make us warm. We can allow its light to fill our senses and surroundings with light. However, we can also separate ourselves from the sun, in partial ways or even completely. We can put a sun umbrella, a parasol, over our heads, or we can lock ourselves in a dark dungeon where the sun cannot possibly reach us. Whatever we do, whether we stand in the sun or separate ourselves from it, we know that the sun itself does not change. The sun does not go out....
Just so, God is love. Because we are free, we can separate ourselves from God's love. We can leave God.... But God, like the sun in our comparison, does not cease to love because we have left.... In a real sense, we can refuse the love of God but we can never lose the love of God.
Quiet Moments With John Powell, S. J.

MY FAMILY LIFE

The previous entries of this blog have been how my faith has helped me through some tough times. I also wanted to blog about my life and home as well. I do work full time and have a wonderful husband. My husband prays for me when I need it. This might seem like a small matter to but anyone who ever had a husband who thought prayer was foolish, you can well appreciate what this means to a woman. My husband is currently out of work and I am arriving home to some wonderful meals and a clean home while he is busy sending out resumes. In the Northeast unemployment is high. I work a stressful job and it's not easy at times but I now have an opportunity to help him, as he helped me when I was unable to work for three years. Sharing and being TRUE partners. I am so appreciative of having a soul mate and I cherish all our time together.

Faith That Sustains

It has been a rough month dealing with health issues once again but I believe the end is in sight, at least for now. My blood pressure finally seems to be under control. I am feeling better and finally sleeping better (unless my pets wake me).
If you are reading this blog, please be in prayer as my husband recently lost his job. I am praying for another one that will be better for him. Often when God closes a window He also opens a door. I want to make sure we don't miss an opportunity because we are focused on the wrong thing. We have peace because we know that all things will work out for us. Our New Years resolution was to be more faithful in church attendance and even on the nights where I am running in the door at the last minute and we are scurrying to get supper on the table, to remember to give thanks.

The Celebration of our Savior's Birth

This time of year I get teary eyed. I think so often and so gratefully that someone was born only to redeem us from sin. I can feel so unworthy until I remember that he came to make me worthy.

It has been a hard time. I had skin cancer surgery. My blood pressure has been very high and I have had fluid in my lungs. These are all the things that were caused by my radiation treatments so many years ago. The doctor said she feels I may be showing signs of congestive heart failure.
Does that scare me? NO. I was granted so many extra years to live....and live I have. I have loved life. I will do all I can to remain here for as long as God expects me to stay. I do not fear death. I am sad to leave behind loved ones and friends. I do not take to heart what the doctor says because I know that only God knows and determines how long I will live.
If I was told I would die tomorrow I would be grateful for all the bonus time I was given. Time to see my son grow up and many other wondrous things. The time has gone so quickly. I hope for more but I am happy for what I have had. I know that there is more to come and I take great comfort in that.

My Story Continues........

After Tom was better I began to have some problems with anxiety. I was shopping in a grocery store when suddenly I felt as though I would pass out. I had the overwhelming sense to flee and I did just that. A week or so later it happened again and again I fled. Later did I learn this was the worst thing I could have done. I began to see a therapist who tried to help me. In the end I read some books on anxiety and joined a support group. It took me years of having these attacks before I could get any kind of control over them. During this time Tom's Dad and I had serious problems. He would belittle me for them. If I prayed he would tell me I was wasting my time. This began the downward spiral which lead to our divorce. During this time he began to tell me things that he had previously lied to me about. Two of my attacks were so severe I called a friend who was an EMT. She saw me and kept saying she felt I had heart problems. I shrugged it off until about a year later an internist told me that I had two bad heart murmurs. Right after my radiation had ended I knew I had developed a murmur. That was mitral valve which is common and I wasn't overly worried. At this time I had another test which showed my aortic valve was now leaking with regurgitation. It also had stenosis which was diagnosed as mild. Over the next few years I had several tests done and for a while it remained the same. Shortly after I moved to my new house and remarried, it was worse. I was then asked to have a more involved procedure and that showed I needed the valve replaced quickly. The stenosis was worse and I was risking going into heart failure if I waited too long.

Tom's Story Ends Beautifully

Tom had to endure three years and three months of chemo for his protocol. While the first year was the hardest, he had to take a lot of steroid pills. He was constantly monitored closely for any signs of relapse. He finished up his protocol with a few glitches along the way. At the end, he was still in remission and has remained so for fifteen years. I will say that it did alter his personality. The kid who exuded so much self confidence began to think people could see him and know something was wrong with him. He was self conscious about his scar from his central line and actually told a few kids he had been shot. He missed an entire year of school and while he was gone they made a videotape for him. He was thrilled when it arrived and suddenly he turned white. A kid in one room said "We're making this for Tom? I thought he died." His friends visits were fewer and fewer. Some of the other high school juniors asked me if leukemia were contagious. He did meet other teens with cancer and went to a camp with them. He loved that. They also went to DisneyWorld together. He stayed in touch with some for several years but now he doesn't any longer. He also does not go in for checkups. He says if he is sick he will go but he doesn't need the constant monitoring. It was hard when he first stopped the chemo. I was having anxiety attacks. I felt as long as he had the chemo it was a safety net. Tom was thrilled at first but later began to worry which manifested itself in different worries. We slowly lost touch with the other families. I stay in touch with my friend Paula and the mother of another teen who survived against very bad odds. Her son just recently got married.
I know now that whatever happens to Tom is in God's hands. I believe that Tom was meant to survive this. I have been asked by other mothers why do I think that some children lived while others didn't. I cannot answer that except to say I believe for some reason Tom was meant to live. He had more complications than almost any other patient and each time he survived it. Tom has a deeply strong belief that God spared his life. He is a very good and compassionate person. He makes sandwiches and takes them to homeless people who live under a boardwalk. He has given them his winter coat at times. He has a totally different way of looking at things. Making money is not as important to him as perhaps it should be. He likes to spend his time doing things he loves. Like me, he understands that we are only here for a span of time. He wants to savor all the moments that he can. He knows the price he paid for that opportunity. Sometimes I think he is a hero.

Thanksgiving Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for allowing me to live so long after my original diagnosis. For bringing me through all that you have. Thank you for all you have done for Tom and for other people in my life.
Thank you for bringing me through the darkest clouds of fear and sorrow and into the morning light. I pray that my son will have a long and healthy life filled with all the good things. Not material possessions but spiritual riches. I have tried to teach him to see your hand in nature and to always know that a part of you is in others as well.
No matter what happens I will always know you have had this all in your hands. At times it was not easy but you were always there for me. At times I left you, but you never left me.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Tom's Story Part V

After Tom's reaction to the drug they decided they would make it from Tom's own DNA. They flew some of his blood to NIH in Bethesda Maryland and actually made the drug just for him. He never had another reaction. I was overwhelmed at all that was being done for my son.

If you have never known anyone who has had leukemia, it is a very difficult disease. The blood counts are constantly monitored because if too low (platelets) you can hemmorage. Often after chemo when Tom threw up it would lead to blood loss. The white counts are also very low from chemo and prohibit you from fighting infection. It's a constant balance of chemo and blood counts. At times your immune system is too weak and you are neutropenic. That means no fresh fruits or vegetables. Special precautions. No brushing of the teeth. When you get hit hard with chemo your hair will fall out. Just as it is coming back and you get hit again, you lose it again. For teenagers who are self conscious, this is especially upsetting. There are also bone marrow aspirations which are needed to monitor/diagnose. They are very painful. To see your child go through this is so difficult. You pray and you beg God to let it happen to you and not your child. You so desperately want to do something that will help but there is nothing you can do except hope, pray, believe and let your child know that you will be there with them no matter what. Throughout this ordeal we watched many children lose their battles. When a child younger than Tom died, he was always devastated. I tried to go to the funerals to support the other mothers but Tom didn't go. There were a few teens whose funerals he did want to attend. One of those was for George.
George was eighteen. He was so lovable and had a sister who bought her twins to the hospital. That always thrilled him. When we first met George he was doing so well. One day he was out of remission and we were so concerned. His mother had to leave the hospital and I volunteered to sit with him. He was vomitting blood and I was so concerned for him. He suddenly became confused and thought I was his mother. This was one of the most difficult moments for me. I had to comfort him and he kept telling me how scared he was. I called the nurse who ordered some transfusions of platelets for him. His Mom returned and we lost him the following week. I still miss him and so many of the other patients we came to know and love. I worry that they will be forgotten. Somedays I make a list and write their names down. Somedays I dream of them in heaven all together. George is always watching out for the younger ones. It is my great hope when I die to be with these special people again. To know them enriched me and I could never forget them, especially Danny, Richard, Michael and George. No matter how rough they had it, they always had a word of encouragement for Tom. I like to think of them now as guardian angels.

Tom's Story Part IV

Please remember that I am writing Tom's story about fifteen years after it took place. There are details that are lost to me but the general story is still very real in my heart and mind. Somewhere along the protocol Tom was receiving shots in his thigh muscles. We were told it was made from a fungus or bacteria and it was called L asparagenese. This was an important part of his intense protocol.
He had received several of these shots when after another he began to complain a lot. I looked at his leg and noticed it was slightly pink and felt warm. I called his doctor and inquired if we should be concerned. At this point we were home and going to the clinic three times a week. These were ten hour days of long waits. He would receive chemo in a chair and if all went well we would return home. Somedays tests were not good, white counts were too high and he would be admitted from the clinic. Sometimes he needed blood transfusions that could not be completed and that was another reason to be admitted. His doctor felt it was okay and he received his other treatment and we came home. Sometime during the night Tom began to make a fuss saying he knew something was seriously wrong with the leg. I called his doctor again who had us return for another visit. He again said the leg was okay but because Tom was now in a wheelchair saying he could not walk on it due to pain, we were referred to a pain specialist. The pain specialist said he could take two different pain meds, altering them every four hours. Tom's doctor felt he was enjoying the escape of his situation with pain meds but I was increasingly concerned about the leg. The following day Tom was feeling poorly and I again took him to the hospital. While we were waiting in a waiting room, he looked at me and said that he felt desperately ill. At that point he slumped from the chair and fell on the floor. I began to scream for the nurses to get his doctor which they did. Ultimately, it was discovered the leg had become infected and he was becoming septic. This means the infection was entering his blood stream. He was put into ICU for potent antibiotics. Before they even moved him, they started IVs in each arm which they were pushing the fluids in manually. To say I was scared was a huge understatement. That night Father Fred, the hospital priest came and sat with me. I told him that although I had previously known what might happen that evening it was made so very real to me. I could lose my only child. I didn't know how I could survive that. Father Fred shared a lot of wisdom with me and assured me that God would be with me and I would be okay. That night was the first night Tom wasn't in a room where I had a recliner to sleep. If I sat by him it was in a very uncomfortable chair. I paced most of the night but soon he seemed much better. The following day they moved him to the one private (isolation) room in ICU and brought me in a recliner. He was in there for several days more. I didn't have a phone in there but my nurses who had become so supportive checked on me constantly. As usual my friend Paula who was still there with Danny for most of our hospitalizations, was a beacon of light. Another close call and each one Tom pulled through reinforced my belief that it was God's will for Tom to live. I started to accept that he would be okay.

Tom's Story Part III

We had been told that after the induction phase of the chemo, Tom would be going home and just have chemo in a clinic unless he developed other issues. I had thought I would be home in that first month. Little was I to know that every complication possible would arise. Tom had the worst reaction to the chemo. He would throw up for twelve hours continuously. There was a "chemo cocktail" given before hand but that didn't work on him. It contained benadryl and when he took it he was not only sick but then felt disoriented so he refused to take it at all. He was getting high doses of some of the most potent chemos. Idarubicin, donarubicin, adriamyacin, I could never remember all the names. During the early phasse he had a central line put in. He hated it but it kept him from getting stuck constantly with needles. When he finally got home from the hospital he came into the kitchen after a few days. His arm on his left side was horribly discolored and he said he had no feeling in it. My immediate thought was blood clot. I called his doctor who told me to bring him to the ER. I had to remove my chicken from the oven and go. Tom wanted to negotiate about this, reluctant to return. Fortunately my husband was home and he drove us. When we arrived there was a team of doctors waiting by. They told us a venagram was necessary but if there was a clot it could push it into his heart and kill him. I agonized and told my husband he needed to give consent because I was not feeling rational. He did and the procedure went okay but did show a clot near the central line and right outside of his heart. This was critical. Many calls were made to other pediatric oncologists to see if this had happened and what had been done. They discussed surgery but felt it too risky. It was decided he would be on bed rest for thirty days, inpatient of course, with heparin to dissolve the clot. We were told if the clot moved it could result in a heart attack, stroke or death. We made it through the next thirty days and later learned that the clot had been sealed off by Tom's body and his body had made new blood supply to compensate. Our bodies are amazing and wondrous things. Once again God brought us through a crisis.

Tom's Story Part II

Over the next few days we learned that Tom did in fact, have ALL, or childhood leukemia. I began to thank the Lord for that. I was then presented with a very difficult choice to make. I was told if I took the conservative route of treatment for him, he would most likely relapse within two years. There was a new, very aggressive protocol. Complications might ensue but without a sibling for a bone marrow transplant, this was by far his best hope. The doctor then told me that he only had a 35% chance of survival for five years. That was so devastating. Again, I told the doctor Tom was not to know how poor his prognosis was. Because he was a teen in puberty his risk was DOUBLE. All the while, I told Tom that he would be fine, just as I was. He met many other children on the cancer ward, some babies and he was overwhelmed at times. He then began to say how grateful he was to have lived sixteen years and experienced life because some of these kids were so very young with poor prognosises. I was so proud of how he handled it all. We were told that if he went into remission after a week, things would look much better. Despite the aggressive protocol and bone pain he was now experiencing, he did not achieve remission. The second week he was still not in remission. His doctor became very concerned. He called a special meeting and insisted his father be present. He told us that if Tom were not in remission by the end of the month the prognosis was even grimmer than he had thought. My husband ran out of the room, out of the hospital and went home. I was left there to digest this and then put on my brave face. I needed a minute and I went down to my car in the parking lot. I began to pray, actually I began to loudly call out to God. WHERE ARE YOU????How can this be happening???? Why did you let me live to see my only child go through this???? Then I began to pull myself together and draw upon my faith. I began to thank the Lord for the fact that on day 30 Tom WOULD BE in remission. I then called my parents and had them call everyone to pray and believe that we would get his answered prayer. My Dad began to fast and he came and prayed with Tom at the hospital. He told him that he knew he would be in remission. It seemed forever but on that last bone marrow day 30 our doctor was in Hawaii on vacation. Another doctor called him on the beach. God answered our prayers and Tom was in remission. We all cried when we got that call from Hawaii. I knew in my heart that God would deliver him. I never thought it would be easy but God would teach us many lessons along the road to his recovery. We just had to be patient and endure another night of weeping and know that our joy would come.

My Son's Story Begins

For the next several years I went for frequent check ups. Everytime I had a swollen lymph node from a virus or infection the doctors had me get a check x ray and blood work. Once the radiologist said that it was so fortunate I had not had chemo yet so WHEN the cancer came back I would have that to fall back on. As more and more years went by, I began to relax and realize that I was totally delivered from this disease. I remember after seven years focusing on the fact that every cell in my body was new and there was still no cancer. At some point I realized that I was never going to have any more children. Despite the precautions they had taken I was never able to get pregnant again. That was difficult to accept but I comforted myself by thinking that my son was healthy and any further children I had might have been exposed to radiation in my body, so perhaps that was for the best.

I began taking college courses and for three years (I started when my son was 13) I went off on tangents such as taking piano lessons and music courses. It seemed like I had a real life again. During the Springof 1990 my son came down with a horrible case of chicken pox. My doctors were worried because I had never had them. He was desperately ill and I had to take him several times to do the doctor when the office was closed, to avoid spreading them to others. He was still seeing a pediatrician. He began to lose all his color and when he slept he woke up soaked. I attributed this to his fever. A few weeks later when the outbreak was over he was still having some of the profuse sweating and his color was terrible. I took him back to the pediatrician who became alarmed when she saw his blood counts. She told me she was afraid he might have leukemia and he needed to be seen by a hemotologist right away. We made the appointment and saw a pediatric oncologist. He said that although my son's blood counts seemed to be coming back, he did think he was showing signs of early leukemia and that he wanted him to have a bone marrow. By now it was summer. I knew the phsycial discomfort of a bone marrow and I was very reluctant to that idea. As weeks went on Tom seemed to recover and I prayed and was ever hopeful this was a fluke. The doctor kept monitoring his blood and determined the day after Labor Day he would have to have the marrow done to see what was going on. We got to the hospital early in the morning and I fought to have him put to sleep for the test. They did it in the ICU unit and he was anesthitized. Shortly afterwards the doctor came into the room and told us it was deffinitely leukemia. I nearly fainted. I fell into a chair. There was a minister there, trying to speak to us but I just couldn't hear anything else. Again, the cancerous lion was at my door. Now this time looking to devour my child. My grief was unspeakable. Before long they were wheeling Tom's bed back into his room and I had to put on a brave show. I explained that he had leukemia. It would be at least a few days before we would know if he had ALL (commonly called childhood) or AML (adult). We were told to hope for childhood as the cure rate was better. That morning they introduced me to Paula. Her son Danny was 14 and in the next room. He was diagnosed with AML shortly before and having chemo. She hugged me and told me that I would be alright. I had no choice.

Part VI

During one of my last visits to the radiologist he told me he was very concerned about something. He said I still had a lump in my neck that didn't seem to have responded to the radiation. Panic set in. He also talked to me about how distressing it was for him to see me with my son and how he hoped I would survive. There was genuine concern which would really shake me.

A few nights later I had a bought of insomnia. I went to the family room and turned on the television and watched a show on at that time called The PTL Show. This stood for the Praise the Lord show. I thought the hosts seemed a bit flashy but they had a guest on named Vickie Jameson. She began to pray for people and she said that the Lord was telling her that someone had lymphoma and they were concerned because the doctor had told them that this lump should not be there. I do not remember her exact words but there was no doubt that she was describing my situation to a tee. She said that person should put their hand on the lump as she prayed for them. What I am about to say next may seem impossible but it happened. I could feel the lump shrink. I felt a warm sensation and suddenly I felt peace about the entire situation. I began to rejoice because I knew that God's will was for me to come through this. The following morning I went to church. I felt the Lord prompt me to testify about what he had done for me. I was not one who enjoyed attention and I tried to convince myself that it was not the Lord but my ego. The Lord does not let us fail Him. I suddenly prayed silently "Lord if I am to testify let the minister sing this chorus...." and guess what the minister then began to sing the exact chorus. Oh boy did I feel in the hot seat. I still was not about to stand up and draw attention to myself. At that point imagine my surprise when the minister said "The Holy Spirit is telling me that someone here has a testimony to share with us. Something wonderful has happened to someone and it will glorify God." I sat still in my seat. Finally he spoke to ME and said "I hope this won't upset you but the Lord is telling me you have something to share with us today." I kid you not, because of what transpired during that twenty-four hours, there is NOTHING that could ever convince me God is not real. The lump began to shrink even more and soon it was gone which was later confirmed to me by the doctor.
About this time I began to pray one day and I asked the Lord to give me a scripture to confirm my healing. I opened my Bible and it fell open to the verse on the header. My eyes immediately went to the scripture "Weeping may endure for the night but joy cometh in the morning." I began to anticipate the morning joy. Since that time there has never been a moment where I have not felt the Lord's presence with me. Life has given me other ordeals to deal with. I have other issues caused by the radiation I received thirty years ago. I have learned a lot. Mostly to trust in the Lord. He hears our prayers. He does not always answer the way we want but He will always be there for us. I am now at the point where if I knew I were to die I would be sorrowful to leave people behind but I would not be fearful. When we leave the world we leave it alone except that I believe we go immediately to the presence of the Lord if we are His.

Part V

I have described a lot of what was happening to my body physically. It was a very difficult time with having discomfort of skin burns and my surgery really took a toll on me. I was having trouble breathing with the tumor swelling and dieing and I was throwing up much of the time. I ate but still manged to lose 26 pounds over about six weeks. I was given medicine to take before the treatments but it really didn't help that much. Coming home in the car was terrible. One day as I went to pick my son up from the camp I began to throw up on the porch. The lady who opened the front door said something to the woman about perhaps I was an alcoholic. I was so outraged and began to lecture her about cancer and how she should not judge people when she had no idea what was happening.
During the radiation I became fearful of the machine. I began to have nightmares that the machine would not turn off. In my dreams (alone in this concrete (I believe lead lined) room I was doomed to be irradiated to death. I told my doctor and he told me this was a common dream. During the treatments I would count in my head at first and they seemed to take an eternity and I never felt so alone when they closed the door to leave me there.
I began to talk to the Lord. I would tell Him that if he were with me I knew I was not alone. I would sing choruses I remembered from church. I would think about my blood counts and my low immune system and I would pray that I would not get sick so I could finish my treatments. Mostly I prayed that God would allow me to raise my son. This was never a concerete time but I think I kept saying if I could only live until he started school...then I raised that to when he graduated grammar school. I tried to bargain with God. All the time I knew deep inside that whatever God's will was I was powerless to change it. All I could do was try to get myself ready for if that time came. I was struggling with being hurt by friends and family who I felt could have helped me more. Each day after radiation treatments my mother would drop me off and go to her house. I would go into the bathroom where I would remain for hours and have toys there to entertain myself as I was too sick to do anything else. Sometimes I would be sick for hours. When my husband got home I tried to have some kind of dinner for he and my son and I stupidly tried to keep my house up to my standards. I didn't have visitors and in hindsight this was a real waste of my valuable energy. It was the summer and I didn't have air conditioning. I did have a nice patio out back with a fenced in area and on my better days my son would play on his little tricycle and I would sit on the steps and take in the flowers. I would savor those moments and tell myself that this would pass. Eventually it did.

Part IV

There was a physicist who was part of the radiation team, Lee. He was from the South and had an easy way about him. He was calming. He made me lead lung shields to protect my lungs. I was so embarassed as I had to be topless for all this and much of the time I had a hospital gown and panties only on. They had to take pictures of all my purple ink radiation markers. The ink ruined some of my clothing. I was now having to buy new clothing. By the time the radiation was over I had lost nearly thirty pounds. The radiation machine, the XK Linear Accelerator I believe was the technical name, was huge. It reminded me of my refrigerator and to this day I believe radiation has a smell. Whenever I opened the door and hit the steps going down the smell would get in my nose. It made nauseous. They started with the chest first since the tumor was rapidly growing. My voice was very hoarse and actually I thought it was sexy. As the weeks went on my tumor swelled before dying and my chest hurt. I coughed a lot of the time. My son was brought toys from other people who worked there. My mother had to drive me, I was not allowed to drive, or capable of driving. She was not happy about that and let me know. I began to look for a place I could send my son and found a summer pre school camp. I enrolled him and he cried when I dropped him off telling me he hated that place. I told him I was sorry but I didn't think he should see the cancer patients that I was seeing. At times it was scary. People who looked at death's door. I wondered, will I look like this someday? I met two other young women who had MY disease. I had no choice but to identify myself by this disease because my life was revolved around trying to get rid of it. Susan had had chemo many years earlier and hers had relapsed. She was getting heavy radiation in hopes of killing it that way. She knew she would be sterile from the radiation and that bothered her. She was married and I never saw her husband with her. The other girl Sandra was also married and she was similar to me. I noticed the doctors tried to keep us apart but we kept talking every chance we got. They both envied that I had a child. Once a week we met with the radiologist after the treatment. I have to honestly say that I blocked out much of what he said. They were not happy that my tumor was shrinking slowly and there was some small ones in my neck that were not shrinking at all. It was going to be a long summer. I didn't know it then but I would end up having 58 radiation treatments. I would be so ill that I couldn't have chemo and they would save that for WHEN it came back. There was much discussion about that but in the end I think the decision not to give me chemo then probably contributed to my survival. Physically I have never felt the same as I did post disease and radiation. I had one goal then: to see my son grow up.